Red vs Blue: Transformers Style Season Two
by Lecter the werewolf
Summary: Back by popular demand! The Autobots and Decepticons continue their 'war' as a new medical officer arrives and an evil AI plans on conquering the universe.
1. Everything Old Is New Again

Red vs. Blue: Transformers Style Season Two

**Rooster Teeth Productions owns Red vs. Blue and Hasbro owns Transformers**

Everything Old Is New Again

"Come in Autobot Command, come in. This is Medical Officer Ratchet. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?"

"Yes dude, hello, can you read me, hello, check one, check two?"

"Say again, Autobot Command. I do not read."

"Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello."

"Autobot Command. Please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo,"

"Yo I hear you, calm down dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello."

"Uh, roger that Command."

"Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. _What's going on dude?__" _

_"_Roger tha... uh... is this Autobot Command?"

"Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's going on?"

"You're sure, the Autobot Command base?"

"Hey dude. _Take it easy_. You called me, I didn't call you."

"Naw, I know, it's just..."

"It's just _what, __**dude?**__" _

_"_Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm going to make contact with the Autobot Squad members."

"Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you want to make contact with Private Jazz, ask him about their wounded, dude."

"Roger that, any other orders?"

"Anything else, yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do don't- oh. Okay never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just uh be very careful. That's all."

"Great."

"Alright then. Well it's out goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just um, you know call back, say 'Dude, I've got some questions, what's going on.' Over and out."

"Okay…Private Jazz…"

Over at the Autobot base, Jazz tried to explain to his leader, Optimus Prime who was in Shockwave's body, that Bumblebee is dangerous.

"Hey Optimus, we have a problem."

"I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like."

"I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me, and talking in a scary voice."

"No I didn't," denied Bumblebee.

"Oh, so you're saying you _didn't_ threaten to cut off my head and give it to Optimus as a birthday present?"

"You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context."

"What? What context?"

"Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay," Optimus said as Ratchet ran up behind him, "I thought we'd established by now…"

"Excuse me," called out Ratchet.

"Hey pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah leuh, I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention. It's not going to do ya any good."

"Excuse me."

"Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?"

"Don't ever be alone," Bumblebee warned Jazz in a scary voice.

"He's doing that _thing_ again," said Jazz.

"My name's Ratchet... uh, are you Private Jazz?"

"No, I am not Private Jazz. My name is Optimus. _This_ is Private Jazz."

"Yo!"

"And our friend over there in yellow? That's Bumblebee. Or, Galvatron, or whatever the hell he's calling himself."

"Why did you introduce me second," asked Bumblebee (or Galvatron).

"Because he hates you," answered Jazz.

"I received your call for a medic," announced Ratchet.

"Medic? That was like three months ago," explained Bumblebee.

"Yeah what you do, crawl all the way here," asked Jazz.

"I came as quickly as I could," said Ratchet, "Where's the patient?"

"Well she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down," Optimus said.

Ratchet turned to see two gravestones outside of the Autobot base.

"Oh…Sorry about your lost," he sympathized.

"What? Oh, yeah, yeah thanks man. It was tough but what are you going to do?"

"We did like her very much," Bumblebee stated, "She was mean to other people."

"Who's in the other grave," asked Ratchet.

"That's, uh, that's me. I'm in that grave," said Optimus.

"Uh-huh. Of course."

"See, uh, he got killed by this crazy, runaway tank," explained Bumblebee.

"Or by the idiot driving it," added Jazz.

"Oh, yeah, then he became, uh, this really mean spark and took over a Cybertronian-speaking Decepticon's body. Oh, then we had to, ah, spray-paint him to make him look like his old colors and now he is alive again and he is a Decepticon…who is a Autobot."

"Right it took us six weeks to get his Cybertronian setting turned off," said Jazz.

(Not entirely turned off, moron), Optimus said in Cybertronian.

"I'll go get the Cybertronian dictionary."

"Wait, so no one here is hurt," asked Ratchet.

"No were fine," Optimus said in English, "In fact, I feel better. See now when either of these two idiots really bug me, I could always turn my ears off. I couldn't do that before."

"You said they were shorting out," countered Bumblebee.

"I'm sorry, what was that Bumblebee? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Well let just check you two out and I'll be on my way," Ratchet said as he pulled out a device.

"Whoa…check us out," asked Jazz, "Is this going to be one of those things where you check my dipstick?"

"No. I'm just going to check your CPU."

"I bet I have a better CPU then you," Bumblebee snapped at Jazz, "…What's a CPU?"

"On your way? I don't think so bud," said Optimus, "Aren't you here to join our squad?"

"No, I'm just here to help out with R-C, and then assist in the canyon as needed."

"First of all, great job on the R-C thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist is to help us kill all the Decepticons."

"Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector."

"A coshe-who," asked Jazz.

"I'm a pacifist."

"You're a thing that human babies suck on," said Bumblebee.

"No dude, that's a pedophile," Jazz corrected him.

"Jazz, I think he means a _pacifier_," yelled Optimus.

"Oh yeah, right. Man I was totally thinking about something else."

"That's real classy, Jazz."

Ratchet finished scanning both Jazz and Bumblebee.

"Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Decepticon base?"

"Why? You said you weren't going to fight them," commented Jazz.

"I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time."

"Man that is so freaking lame," remarked Optimus.

"I'm just going to go to the Decepticon base and see if they need any help."

"Well, if you're going to go up to Decepticon base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're going to shoot it right out of your hand."

Just then Ratchet's device got shot out of his hand.

"Yeah, just like that."

"Scatter," Jazz yelled as the Autobots continued getting shot at.

Megatron was watching the pink colored Rumble firing a sniper rifle.

"Nice shot, cupcake," he complemented.

"Thanks Megatron!"

Over on the right, Starscream was firing his lasers, "Oh that's right, suck it Autobots!"

Frenzy stood up in front of Starscream, "Yeahah, sneak attack!"

"Sit down, you dumbass, I can't see."

"Lock and load fellas," ordered Megatron, "Let's go get them!"


	2. Motion To Adjourn

Red vs

Motion To Adjourn

The Decepticons continued firing at the Autobots separating Bumblebee from Optimus Prime, Jazz, and the medic Ratchet.

"Okay Jazz, I need you to get up there, help Bumblebee shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice," Optimus ordered.

"I didn't even know what half of that meant," remarked Jazz.

"Just go over to Bumblebee's rock, and fire your gun a bunch."

"_That rock?_ Yeah, I don't think so."

"We do not, have time, to discuss this."

"Sure, no time for _you_ to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Lasers shooting the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a laser gun sandwich."

"Jazz, we're going to give you covering fire."

"Covering fire? Unless that means you're going to build a huge, laser-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of oil that I have right now."

"No problem. Oh wait wait, does the oil have to be _in _your body?"

Frenzy and Starscream were shooting their respective guns at the Autobots.

"Starscream…I can't feel my hands," Frenzy cried.

"Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass."

"Alright you, Dr. Ratchet, get over there and help Bumblebee," ordered Optimus.

"My name isn't Dr. Ratchet, just Ratchet."

"Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Dr. Ratchet."

"I'm not really comfortable with that; I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic."

"What's the difference," asked Jazz.

"Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable. While they die."

"Mental note: don't ever get shot."

"It's settled then. Your name is now Dr. Ratchet," announced Optimus.

"Alright, but I don't think it'll stick."

"Oh trust us, it'll stick," said Jazz.

"Now get over to Bumblebee, and help him hold that position," Optimus ordered again.

"I don't have a gun, _I am a pacifist_."

"Well then just get over there, and yell '**zap zap zap**.'"

"I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive."

"Oh, come on," Jazz remarked.

"Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt."

"Huh. I see," Optimus raised his gun to Bumblebee and fired one shot at him.

"OW, MY FOOT," Bumblebee yelled.

"Well, looks like Bumblebee has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Dr. Ratchet," Optimus recommended.

"You know, you could have just asked nicely."

Back on the Decepticon side, Starscream kept shooting until his laser cell was empty.

"Oh crap, I'm out. Give me a laser cell, Frenzy."

"Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one to one shot."

"Wha…how can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds into battle."

"Wait, since when?"

"Since the last staff meeting."

"We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just put myself into sleep mode."

"Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo."

"What's _your_ job?"

"Me? I'm the Social Chairman."

Megatron and Rumble ran over to Frenzy and Starscream, both out of lasers.

"Frenzy. Treasurer Rumble and me are empty. We need some cells," Megatron said.

"Hey Frenzy, you remember that one shot you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it," said Starscream.

Dr. Ratchet was over now on Bumblebee's rock, helping him with his 'injury'.

"I'm here Bumblebee, where're you hit?"

"Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!"

"The left foot?"

"Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and…"

"I'm just going to assume it's the one with the hole in it."

"Yeah, the black one. Ah. I can't believe Optimus shot me."

"OH DON'T EVEN _START_, BUMBLEBEE," his leader yelled.

"Anything else," asked Dr. Ratchet.

"Uh, well wha?"

"You have a laser wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?"

"Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, Well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason."

"... ... ... Okay I'm just going to start with the foot."

"Okay."

Optimus and Jazz had been listing to silence for several minutes now.

"Hey dude, why aren't the Decepticons firing," asked Jazz.

"I don't know, maybe they're out of ammo."

"Hey Autobots," Megatron yelled on the opposite side, "We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

"Surrender," wondered Optimus.


	3. Red vs Bleu

Red vs. Bleu

Megatron repeated his statement, "We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

"There is no way this bluff is going to work," remarked Frenzy.

"Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're out of ammo."

"Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo," said Optimus, "What're your terms?!"

"Their what?" asked Jazz.

"Our what?" asked Frenzy.

"I can't believe this is actually working," said Starscream, "See if we can get Soundwave back, Megatron."

"Oh yeah. Cause then _he _can fix the Scorponok."

"Oh oh Megatron, tell them we want the disk," Rumble recommended.

"Yeah and some cake," said Frenzy.

"Oh…Wait wait Megatron, just the cake."

"Alright Autobots!" began Megatron, "First off! We want your disk…!"

"Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the disk, the chick with the twin guns showed up," interrupted Starscream.

"…To stay right where it is," continued Megatron, "Keep the disk! But we do want our mechanic back!"

"Uh oh," said Optimus.

"You may know him as Soundwave!"

"Well Optimus, what's it going to be?" asked Jazz.

"No way! I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing."

"And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!" Megatron yelled.

"Uh, uh he's not here anymore!" Optimus yelled back.

"Yeah, he left! He was all like 'Sayonara!' and then he just took off!" added Jazz.

"That's not Cybertronian you idiot, that's Spanish. Let's try this. Hey Decepticons! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!"

"A hostage? But I'm suppose to go over there," said Dr. Ratchet.

"Meh, that sounds pretty good to me," agreed Starscream.

"I don't know," thought Frenzy, "I think we can hold out for more."

"We don't have any cells, dumbass."

"Oh right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal."

"Hey Dr. Ratchet. How's the patient?" Optimus asked.

"Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive," the medic answered.

"He's talking about Bumblebee, right?" asked Jazz.

"No I mean his foot, how's the foot I shot?" Optimus corrected.

"What that part? It fell off like half an hour ago," replied Dr. Ratchet.

"Rest in peace, little bit," cried Bumblebee.

"You shall be avenged!" said Galvatron.

"Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help," said Dr. Ratchet.

"Okay! We are going to send over our medic!" Optimus yelled to the Decepticons, "Now what do **we** get!?"

"You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!" replied Starscream.

"We've already got that!" said Jazz, "What else do you have!?"

"What do you want!?" asked Megatron.

"How about you admit that the Decepticons suck!" proposed Optimus.

Megatron and his team muttered to themselves for a moment.

"What if we admit that one of us sucks!?" asked Megatron.

"_Nice_. Wait, you mean Rumble, right?" said Frenzy.

Two hours later…

"Okay then! We agree to the terms!?" asked Optimus, "You first, and then we send over the medic!"

"Get on with it Frenzy," ordered Megatron.

The Decepticon sighed.

"I would just like to let everyone know, that I suck...!"

"And!?" added Optimus.

"And that I'm a girl…!"

"What else!?"

"And I like ribbon magnets on my head, and I want to kiss all the boys...!"

"This may be the best surrender of all time," said Megatron.

"Okay, is that good enough!?" asked Starscream.

"Yeah!" replied Optimus, "Alright, go ahead Dr. Ratchet."

The pacifist medic ran over to the other side.

"Man, I really hope you're worth this," said Frenzy.

"Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the oil here?"

"Oil? We ran out of oil six months ago."

"No oil, then what do you drink?"

"Uh, you know, water, uh, milk, juice, the usual."

"I only drink the fluid from my enemies," announced Megatron, "And occasionally a Red Bull. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a pina colata. If you like pina colatas, hengh! Getting caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Frenzy just has half a CPU, ungh.


	4. The Joy of Toggling

The Joy of Toggling

Over at the Decepticon base, Frenzy was watching Dr. Ratchet while the others were looking at the Scorponok.

"So he was shot in the head,"said Dr. Ratchet.

"Right," answered Frenzy.

"And you gave him jumper cables for a laser hole in the head."

"Exactly."

"Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment."

"That's what **I** said."

"Oh yeah, people often overlook to alternative methods of care. Like that Autobot that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some Anti-Freeze. He was fine."

"Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Megatron is wrong."

"Frenzy! Your supposed to be guarding the prisoner," Megatron yelled, "Not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!"

"Come on Megatron, he doesn't even have a gun."

"Oh, well you two will be great friends then," Starscream said sarcastically, "He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any cells!"

"Hey thanks, kiss-ass. If I want to take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you."

"Oh man, that is a rust," commented Rumble, "Dude, you just got rusted. Rusted, dude, rusted."

"Oh shut up, your armor's pink," retorted Starscream.

"Uh, hey, guys? I, I just want everybody to know that Frenzy and I aren't, uh, technically friends. We're just talking. That's it," Dr. Ratchet explained then turned to Frenzy, "Sorry man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm going to make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand."

Frenzy just stared at him in disgust.

"It's only because no one likes you. Stop staring at me."

Over at the Autobot base, Jazz was wondering about something and asked his leader.

"Hey Optimus - if your body is the Decepticon's mechanic, and mechanics usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Joan?"

"Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. Alright, stand back."

Optimus was trying to activate some mechanism in Soundwave's body but nothing was working.

"Anything?" asked Jazz.

"Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be."

"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere."

"See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!"

"Found it?"

"Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way."

"What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.

"_Celsius_, Jazz."

"Oh come on dude, Celsius sucks."

Jazz knelt down in front of Optimus, "Hey, I found something."

"Oh yeah? You found a button?"

"No dude, it's more like a…switch."

"Well, give it a flip."

"I don't want to flip it."

"What's the problem?"

"It's in a weird place."

"Oh you've got to be kidding me."

"You flip it."

"These arms aren't that flexible, I can't even reach down there."

"What about Bumblebee?"

"Man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch."

"Oh man…"

"Jazz, Jazz, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner."

Jazz got down again on his knees and tries to flip the switch on Soundwave's body.

"It won't move, it's stuck."

"Did you try wiggling it?"

"No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle."

"Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it."

As Jazz went back down, Optimus decided to mess around with his teammate.

"…So, you come from around here baby?" he joked.

"Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that," yelled Jazz.

"Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding."

"I wish R-C was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it."

"You obviously did not know R-C that well."

Jazz was able to get the switch flipped and then a beeping noise came on.

"There! Anything?" he asked.

"Nope. Nothing. That's kind of weird," Optimus thought, "Do you hear something beeping?"

Back at the Decepticon side, Megatron was thinking about what to do with the medic.

"Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?" he asked Starscream and Rumble.

Unbeknownst to any of them, the beeping started up in there vicinity.

"Well, we have to get him away from Frenzy, because ...yeah, you know, it's kind of cruel and unusual to have to talk to him," said Starscream.

"How bout we um, let him trade armor color with uh, one of us?" suggested Rumble, "That would show him."

Just then, the headlight 'eyes' of the Scorponok turned on and the pincers moved around.

"Scorponok online," the vehicle said, "Homing beacon activated."

"Megatron…D, did the car just talk?" Rumble asked.

"Uh oh…" said Megatron.


	5. Sweet Ride

Sweet Ride

The Decepticons and the medic all stared at the now online Scorponok.

"Okay, I get it. You build a remote control for the jeep in to Soundwave," said Starscream.

"Yep. But there's _no way_ anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place _no one_ would _ever look,"_ explained Megatron_. "Unless…"_ he turned to Rumble_, "Hey,_ Pretty in Pink. Were you messing with my robot?"

"What're you asking _me_ for?"

"So someone else is controlling the jeep right now?" Frenzy asked. "And the big gun attached to the tail?"

"Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies. Even if they figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my facebook account know that."

Over at the Autobots, Optimus had gathered Jazz and Bumblebee on top of their base.

"There, you hear that?" he asked them.

"Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise, followed by a series of random clicks?" said Jazz.

"No it's just like this constant 'beep beep beep' noise."

"Oh…then no, I don't hear anything."

"Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?"

"No, I was just trying to be helpful."

"Yeah, well, you're failing."

"All I hear is that voice, you know telling us to kill all our friends before they have a chance to kill us," Bumblebee said.

Optimus and Jazz all stared at him.

"Wait, you guys don't hear that?"

"Oh man, I can't take this any more," Optimus yelled, "Jazz, you're going to have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy."

The words 'drive me crazy' followed all the way to the Scorponok as it picked up on the words.

"Drive," it said.

"Jumping Jehozafats, they've cracked the code," said Megatron, "Those damn windtalkers."

The Scorponok drove straight towards Dr. Ratchet, hitting him and causing him to land into the driver's seat. It continued driving away with the medic.

"Hey, he's taking the jeep," said Rumble.

"Help, this jeep is kidnapping me!" screamed Dr. Ratchet.

"Now he's _taunting_ us. This is just embarrassing."

"Hey Megatron, new rule," suggested Starscream, "How about we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck at it."

Bumblebee was looking at the switch on Soundwave's body.

"I see a switch down here. It's not very big."

"Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it," said Jazz.

"Wait, stop," ordered Optimus.

Out on the field, the Scorponok heard Optimus' order.

"Stop," it said and did the action.

"Bumblebee... do you know how to work a switch?" Optimus asked.

"Uhhhhhhhhh…"

"Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in _one_ direction, just turn it around, so that it's pointed in the _other_ direction."

"Turn around," Scorponok said and turned to face the Decepticon base.

"Oops. It broke itself," said Bumblebee.

Optimus sighed at his comrade's stupidly.

"Oh man, what now?" Dr. Ratchet thought as the Scorponok faced the Decepticons.

"That does not look good," said Frenzy, "Nice crustacean, nice crustacean."

"Okay, I see two wires down here," said Jazz, "One gray and one black."

"What about the yellow one?" Bumblebee asked.

"That's your thumb, idiot," said Optimus, "Come on guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out."

"I can't tell which one goes over there," complained Jazz.

"Then just yank them both."

"Optimus if we pick the wrong one, you could explode," Bumblebee whispered.

"I don't care, look, just follow the gray one."

"Acquire target: gray," the Scorponok said.

"Uh, Megatron, you might want to start running," suggested Frenzy as he, Rumble, and Starscream backed away, "Now."

"Ahhhhh fudge pumps," their leader said.

"Okay, I see what's going on here," said Jazz, "The gray one goes close to the switch, and the black one goes... someplace else."

"Fine, just pull it," ordered Optimus, "Take out the gray one."

The Scorponok struck Megatron with one of its arms.

"Oh, I'm pinned!" he cried.

"Eliminate gray target."

The tail gun began firing a laser beam and it slowly moved towards Megatron's head.

"You're going to kill him!" Frenzy yelled at the medic who was in no control of the vehicle.

"What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations," said Megatron, "I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this."

"Something about the dangers of technology, and the unwavering pride of Decepticons?" Starscream asked.

"No, something about hiring better help, that doesn't just stand around _**watching you die!**__"_


	6. Last Words

Last Words

The Decepticons watched as the laser gun from the Scorponok got closer to Megatron's head.

"Okay, we got to do something here guys," said Starscream.

"You're right. I got dibs on Megatron's armor color," said Rumble.

Over at the Autobot side, Jazz was trying to fix the beeping noise from Soundwave's body.

"Okay Optimus, you ready, I'm going to yank the wire."

"Frenzy, if you see Soundwave, tell him I forgive him," Megatron said emotionally, "Tell him, he was like a son to me."

"I thought Starscream was like a son to you?" Frenzy wondered.

"No offense, Starscream. Soundwave and I just, understood each other better."

"Understood…he refused to speak English," Starscream commented.

"Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got," Frenzy added.

"And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep," Starscream concluded.

"Ahhhh, what a little rascal," said Megatron.

"Alright, here goes nothing," Jazz said, "One…Two…Three!"

He pulled out the wire and beeping ceased.

"Oh God yes, finally! Some freaking peace and quiet!" said Optimus, "I thought that was going to drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?"

"Signal lost," the Scorponok said and shut down.

"Wow, that was a close one," said Frenzy, "Are you okay Megatron?"

"Ah, horse plucky, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed."

"It's okay sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality," explained Starscream.

"It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him."

"Taken who, the laser gun?" Frenzy asked.

"Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness, cracks in the armor, if you will."

"What? You can't fight a laser gun."

"Yeah, Megatron," Rumble agreed, "I know you're tough and all, but it is kind of hard to beat up a cutting, armor piercing laser using only your face."

"Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before," explained Dr. Ratchet, "Megatron just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress."

"Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?" asked Frenzy.

"Oh I have my own system, that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver side of the jeep is going to need a thorough cleaning."

"This is great, this is just great," Optimus yelled, "Thanks a lot Bumblebee. Now what mm I supposed to do: my lower half is damaged."

"Why don't you try walking it off?" he suggested.

"I can't use my legs, moron."

"Oh, I see. …Have you tried running?"

"This doesn't seem like that big a deal, you hardly ever used your legs before anyway," said Jazz, "I've never heard of a grown robot asking for so many piggy-back rides."

"Hey, I already told you: that was for science."

"Why don't you just try, **walking on your hands?**" said Bumblebee, "Then you could your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...drinking oil... you know, the important stuff."

"Hey Dr. Ratchet, although I'm sure Megatron enjoys having his back circuit pulverized in to iron filings, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Scorponok," suggested Starscream.

"Oh, right. Sorry."

But instead of reverse, the medic drove it forward and against Megatron again.

"Oh, hot buttered lugnuts!" Megatron screamed.

"Oh, geez, I'm really sorry, I, I just was in the wrong gear, let me just..."

"Yow, geez, there goes my last USB port. I was saving that one for a special _occasion_."

"Third time's the charm?"

"I don't think so, Poindexter. Out of the jeep now!" ordered Starscream.

"I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help."

"Oh is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our leader by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue," Frenzy said sarcastically.

"… …really?"

"Get out!" both Frenzy and Starscream yelled.

"Well start reattaching wires," ordered Optimus, "I'll tell you when I feel something."

"What about that, do you feel that Optimus?" Jazz asked.

"No, what're you doing, I don't feel anything."

"Oh, Optimus? You know, I was thinking. ...Uh ya ya ya know, when you, when you eat frozen oil too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain circuit?" Bumblebee began.

"Hey Bumblebee? Yeah. Shut up!"

Bumblebee saw the Decepticons approach the base with the medic while Jazz was still down on his knees in front of Optimus.

"Uh…Optimus? I think you should know that the Decepticons are…"

"Damnit Bumblebee! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut-a-con, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, _just for once, if you'd __**shut your freaking mouth!**__" _

_"Hey Autobots, we're here to-what the hell are you guys doing?" Starscream asked._


	7. Nobody Likes You

Nobody Likes You

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Starscream called out.

The Decepticons and the pacifist medic saw Jazz was kneeling in front of Optimus in an awkward position.

"Oh crap, the Decepticons are here," Jazz said as he got up quickly.

"What? Bumblebee, why didn't you say anything?" Optimus whispered, "Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs."

"What were you doing down there?" Frenzy asked.

"Nothing. What're you talking about?" Jazz replied.

"We were just playing a game!" Bumblebee yelled.

"Hey Bumblebee, we'll handle it," Optimus whispered.

"What in the hell is going on at this base?" Frenzy wondered.

"I told you these guys were weird," said Dr. Ratchet.

"What do you want Decepticons? Get out of here, or we'll start shooting at you!" Optimus yelled with his back behind the Decepticons.

"Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?" asked Frenzy.

Optimus knew he couldn't turn around, "Uhgh…no."

"Yeah I didn't think so. Punk."

"Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner," Starscream explained.

"Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal," said Jazz.

"Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him," Frenzy responded.

"Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one," Optimus yelled.

"Hey dude, what's your problem?"

"Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?" Starscream asked.

"He's shy!" Bumblebee yelled.

"Shut up. Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of something, kind of private over here," Optimus explained.

"That's sad. He _is_ shy," Frenzy thought.

Frenzy and Dr. Ratchet began heading back to the Decepticon base.

"Fine, but don't come back asking for him later," said Starscream.

"We won't," replied Jazz.

"Last chance," said Frenzy.

"Beat it Decepticons!" Optimus yelled.

"Alright, we're going, we're going."

The three of them reassembled over at the hill.

"Man, I thought our team was obnoxious, but those guys are _really rude_," said Frenzy.

Starscream noticed Dr. Ratchet heading back to the base.

"Whoa, whey, hey, whoa, where do you think you're going?"

"Back to base with you guys. They don't want me over there…"

"Yeah, I don't think so," said Frenzy.

"What? You're not just going to leave me out here in the middle of nowhere... By myself?"

"Yeah. That's kind of the general idea," said Starscream.

"Not you too, right Frenzy? Old buddy? Huh?"

"Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm going to make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand."

Back at the Autobot base, Jazz and Bumblebee were watching the Decepticons leave.

"What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey somebody tell me what's happening!" yelled Optimus.

"I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle," said Jazz.

"Uh, Jazz? You might want to look behind you."

Jazz turned to see Bumblebee holding the sniper rifle in his hands.

"Mother fucker."

"Uh ooh Optimus, Optimus. Okay, I s, I see something... okay... uh the two Decepticons are walking away... uh... but the red and white one is..."

"I think he's going to attack," Galvatron said.

"Red and white? Oh, wait the red and white guy's that worthless medic," said Optimus.

"He's not going to attack, he's a pussy fest," Jazz commented.

"_Pacifist_."

"Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter."

"Wait a second wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the Decepticons leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick."

"I'll bet they've used some kind of, brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning, to have him do, all their dirty plans... and also the schemes…" suggested Bumblebee.

"Bumblebee, that is ridiculous," said Jazz.

"Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea, that you never thought of."

"No, just the regular kind ridiculous."

"Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get in to our base," ordered Optimus.

"Hey guys, uh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?" asked Dr. Ratchet.

"I knew it... we're all going to die..." Bumblebee said as he pointed the sniper rifle at the back of Jazz's head.

"Starting with you!" said Galvatron.

"Sorry, but we're kind of busy here. So go away... or something," replied Jazz.

"Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and" Dr. Ratchet began but Optimus cut him off.

"Listen Dr. Ratchet, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine."

"Hey uh I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!"

"Just, get out of here! And tell your buddies, the Decepticons, that their little 'plan' failed."

"Well this is just great. I can't be_lieve_ I failed outta medical school for _this._


	8. NineTenths of the Law

Nine-Tenths of the Law

Rumble and Megatron stood on top of the Decepticon base waiting for the others to return. Rumble tried to make small talk to break the silence.

"So just you and me, hanging at the base today, huh Megatron? This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? You think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pretty low on rust remover. ...When you go offline, can I have your armor color?"

"Hey, we're back!" Starscream called out as he came up the ramp.

"Oh man, am I glad to see you guys. Megatron would _not_ stop talking. Seriously."

"Frenzy, Starscream, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?" Megatron asked.

"Uh, not exactly, sir. You see, when we showed up, the Autobots were doing something _really weird_, and then th,"

"_Really_ weird. And they were _rude_," Frenzy interrupted.

"Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was going to tell the story."

"_Excuse me, go ahead.__" _

_"_Well you see, the Autobot guys were really weird, and not just normal weird, really weird"

"You're not telling it right."

"Okay _fine_, how do **you** remember it?"

"Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I get fuzzy on the rest of the details."

"Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir."

"Why those cunning Autobot devils. Does their treachery know no bounds?" said Megatron.

"It wasn't a total loss sir, I was able to steal his wallet," Frenzy mentioned.

"Frenzy, I may make a respectable soldier out of you yet."

"Really sir?"

"Hell no! Now leave the money in my chambers, and get back to work!"

At the Autobot base, Optimus was trying to get his legs working again.

"Alright Jazz, what the hell are we going to do man, I got to get my legs working here."

"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional, maybe someone who can fix Joan too," Jazz suggested.

"Okay great idea, but the only two people who can do that are Señor Soundwave, and R-C."

"Hmm, R-C _can_ be kind of hard to work with," said Bumblebee.

"Yeah. Dead people usually are," Jazz replied.

"Quite frankly Jazz, I find your attitude offensive," Optimus said.

"What about that Soundwave person. Is _he_ available?" Bumblebee asked.

"No, I'm in his body. Remember?"

"Well... why don't you just leave his body, and then Jazz and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!"

"Girlfriend, what?" Jazz yelled.

"You retard-a-con?" Optimus asked.

"I mean uh, Jazz and I will make him fix you, and uh the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me. Uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done," corrected Bumblebee.

"I'm confused, that actually seems like a good idea," said Jazz.

"I know," agreed Optimus.

"…But Bumblebee said it."

"I know."

Jazz punched Optimus in the face.

"Ack, what the hell was that for?"

"I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't."

"Jazz, when you think you're dreaming, you don't _punch_ somebody _else_. You get somebody _else_ to pinch _you_."

"Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me."

"If you dented my forehead, Jazz, I am going to be _pissed__." _

_"Yeah, yeah, yeah." _

_"_Let's try this: I'll jump out of Soundwave's body real quick, you two just watch him, make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?" Optimus asked.

"Yeah, sure," Jazz replied.

"Okay, Optimus!" said Bumblebee.

"Ughhh, alright. Here goes nothing. Hegakergerk!" Optimus' spark left the body of Soundwave.

"You know, I have to hand it to you Bumblebee, you finally came up with a good idea," said Jazz.

"Oh, thanks man. It was nothing."

"No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about."

As they were talking and looking away from Soundwave, he began to run off.

"Ya know, I just enjoy the process," said Bumblebee.

Optimus began to materialize in his spark form.

"Yeah-ah, back in the spark world, alright. Man I forgot how good this feels. Kind of... loosely-goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?"

"Why do you care about your body, you can't even move your," Jazz started but turned to see Soundwave running over the hill, "Oh hey look, your legs work!"

"This one is my!" Galvatron yelled as he raised the sniper rifle. He began firing at the Decepticon.

"Hey Bumblebee, whoa cut it out man! You're going to damage my body!" Optimus said, "Jazz, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there."

His spark faded away.

"There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I've still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?" Jazz stated.

"But Optimus said for us," Bumblebee began before Jazz interrupted him.

"Yeah, but Optimus didn't think of _this_!" he threw a grenade through the teleporter, "Come on, let's go!"

Optimus' spark stopped Soundwave from running.

"Alright, hold right there _amigo_," he said.

The grenade popped out from the other side of the teleporter and landed between Optimus' feet.

Soundwave said something in Cybertronian and kept on running.

"Hey, I said hold it, not run away! You big... Decepticon baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade... aw crap."

An explosion came as Frenzy was observing it through the sniper rife.

"What in Sam hell is going on out there, Frenzy?" Megatron ordered.

"Sir I think we're under attack! A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack," he answered.

"How many do ya see?"

"There's two running our way, and another one seems to be- _**retreating?**__" _

_"_Oh we'll give them all a reason to retreat. Saddle up, Starscream, let's go rope us some Autobot steer!"

"Woohoo! All right, yeah!" he cheered.

"Yeah!"

Both of them ran down the ramp cheering continuing. Rumble and Frenzy were left alone.

"So... just you 'n' me, hanging out at the base. That's cool," Rumble said.

"Shut up proto," Frenzy replied.

"You think they'll be gone long? Me and Megatron had a great time together."

"Oh my Primus…"

"We talked about all kinds of stuff…"

"I'm not going to sit here and listen to this all day…"

"He showed me a picture of his mother. We talked about home decorating…"

"Are you ever going to shut up?"

"We made macramé ideas…"

"Prima…"

"We shared recipes for soufflés…"

"How did I get stuck in this place?"

"Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings…"

"Ugh, Primus…"

"And then, we also discussed…"

"Prima…"

"What it was like to be a loner at the Academy…"

"You've got to be kidding me…"

"And, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time…"

"Oh man…"

"I mean Megatron is a really neat person. We talked about his dream the other night…"

"I don't want to listen to this…"

"Where he dreamed, that uh… some shit happened…"

"Why me?"


	9. In Stereo Where Available

In Stereo Where Available

Megatron got into the driver's seat of the Scorponok and Starscream got into the tail gunner position.

"Alright, hit it!" Starscream said as they began to drive off.

They past the Autobot tank and drove to the location of the explosion. Optimus' spark was coughing in the smoke.

"What the hell? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs."

He looked up and saw the Scorponok jump over the hill next to him.

"Yeehaw!" Starscream yelled.

"Ride em' cowboy," Megatron added.

"Yes! …Hey Megatron, hold on a sec," Starscream jumped out of the tail gunner, "Did you see something weird, Megatron?"

"Yes I did. Once when I was a small sparkling I saw a man who _claimed_ to be my uncle, do this thing with a gas hose that still haunts me to this…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I meant did you see something weird _just now_, like five seconds ago."

"Oh. Then no."

"What was all that stuff about your uncle?"

"I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!"

"…You want to talk about it?"

"Just get back in the damn jeep."

Jazz and Bumblebee were able to intercept Soundwave as he was coming back to their base.

"Hold it right there, hombre. I told you throwing that grenade through the teleporter would work. Optimus is going to be so impressed," commented Jazz.

"And Joan will love me again, and this time, for who I am, not just for my stunning good looks... but for those too," said Bumblebee.

(Damn these Autobot bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.) Soundwave said in Cybertronian.

"Your spark is the cavern of lies!" Galvatron yelled at Soundwave.

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Jazz asked.

(You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The Decepticons will be avenged)

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, nobody cares. We need you to fix our tank."

(Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house! Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment. It is our time, the great betrayal of the oppressors as was predicted, as I said.)

"Man, I thought Optimus talked too much. You think if I kick him in the switch he'll shut up?" Jazz asked Bumblebee.

"Uh Jazz? I think that maybe we should begin the going of the running now? The _fast_ running."

"Oh crap!"

They saw the Scorponok was behind Soundwave with its gun pointed at them.

"Hold your fire there, Starscream. This is payback time," Megatron said.

"Go for it sir!"

"That's right, we're just casually strolling away," Jazz said as he started backing away, "No cause for concern..."

"Running time!" Bumblebee screamed and took off running in circles.

"Nice and casual! Moron!"

(Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs.) Soundwave said as he watched them run, (Be it known that the great Soundwave has won this day and)

The Scorponok began driving to Soundwave.

"Aim for that guy right in the middle, Megatron," said Starscream.

"Way ahead of ya Starscream."

Soundwave turned to see his own team attacking him. (What is happening?)

On his viewing screen, an image appeared, "System Override Protocol Remote Destruct Sequence".

"We got ya now, you Autobot bastard!" said Starscream.

(You have given me no choice.)

"Hey Megatron, do you hear a strange beeping sound?"

The Scorponok exploded and it flipped backwards several times in the air.

(I'm sorry, father) said Soundwave.

"Alright! Not bad, mechanic dude!" commented Jazz.

"I knew he would save us. I knew it!" Bumblebee cheered, "Mechanic people always like me. It's because of my awesome dancing."

(My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost. Do with me as you will.)

"Yeah okay man, can you just shut up and fix our tank?" asked Jazz.

"Dancing time!" yelled Bumblebee, "Doo, doo, doo, doo..."

(The heart of this warrior cries out in sorrow. Why does this one mock me with his foolish dancing? Are those moves supposed to make him look like a robot? They do not. I am offended by this.)

"Hah Kay ha hoh goooooooo... Dancing time!"


	10. Rader Love

Rader Love

The Decepticons all gathered around the Scorponok that was once again damaged.

"Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?" Frenzy asked.

"Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get in to the damn thing, it breaks, or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us," Starscream said.

"Maybe we should try exchanging it for a few motorcycles," suggested Rumble, "No wait, wait, wait, a big tank like the Autobots have. That thing never seems to have any problems at all."

Over at the disabled Joan, the Autobots had gathered with their new mechanic Soundwave.

"Alright, that's the deal mister robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free," Optimus said to Soundwave.

"I thought the plan was to trick him in to fixing the tank, and then Optimus will take over his body again when he is done," Bumblebee asked Jazz.

"Yeah. But you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on, Bumblebee," Jazz answered.

"So if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?"

"Why would we trick _you_?"

"Oh I think you know."

(Where will I go?) Soundwave asked, (Even my friends have tried to kill me.)

"Okay, I'm going to take that as a yes," said Optimus, "And let you get busy with tank fixing."

(I have no home.)

Frenzy was on top of the Scorponok and peering through the sniper scope.

"Aw crap. Hey uh, they got a guy fixing their tank," he told the others.

"_Impossible!__" said Megatron,_ "Our intelligence _clearly_ states..."

"We have intelligence?" Rumble asked.

"That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Soundwave, oh wait a minute."

"Megatron, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Soundwave runs away, the jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly there's a new guy on the Autobot team?" Starscream asked.

"Yes Starscream, I am. Quite obviously the Autobot team has constructed some kind of _diabolical mind control ray beam_, that they used on Soundwave and now he has to do their evil Autobot bidding!"

"Or, since he's a robot like all of us, maybe they just _reprogrammed him_," suggested Frenzy.

"Or maybe, that Autobot guy who got killed by the tank, came back as a spark, and now _he's_ possessing Soundwave's body. That could also explain why Megatron went nuts when we had the prisoner; the Autobot spark probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences, while the guy learned how to use Soundwave's body," Rumble said.

However the other's just stared at him in disbelief.

"I think I like the ray beam idea better," said Starscream.

"Yeah proto, your idea sounds a little dumb," Frenzy commented.

Bumblebee was jumping up and down next to the tank as Soundwave kept working.

"Hurry, hurry, hurry, fix the tank!" he pleaded, "So that I can say hello to Joan."

"And start killing everyone!" Galvatron added.

"You mean all the Decepticons, right?" Jazz asked.

"Of course!" said Bumblebee.

"For starters!" ended Galvatron.

"Come on, how much longer Soundwave?" Optimus asked.

(Complete,) said Soundwave as he got off the tank.

Joan began to power back up for the second time, "Thank you for activating the M808Z Ark Battle Tank."

"Joan! You're fixed! You're fixed," Bumblebee shouted with joy.

"Hello Private Bumblebee. It's good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me."

"He didn't fix you, a mechanic did it," said Jazz.

"Don't robo-cock-block me!" Galvatron yelled.

"Dude, come on."

"Mechanic? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a mechanic," said Joan.

Soundwave raised his head to look at the tank in front of him.

"I don't like where this is going," said Bumblebee.

"Hello there. My name is Joan. The M808Z Ark Battle Tank."

(And I am Soundwave, the heavy.)

"Soundwave. What a nice name, for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills."

"Ummmm yes. Well Soundwave has to go now," Bumblebee interrupted, "He was just here to help me fix you, and now he has to go **away!**"

"Dude, this is getting weird. Optimus, will you take your fucking body back?" asked Jazz.

"Roger that," said Optimus. His spark entered Soundwave's body again.

(No! Heauegerkergerk!)

Soundwave started shaking.

"You okay in there Optimus? Optimus. Hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?"

His spark began to fade back into the real world.

"What the... that wasn't me! What the hell's going on here?"

"Well. Buenos Dias cockbites," Soundwave said with R-C's voice, "Guess who's back."


	11. I Dream of Meanie

I Dream of Meanie

The Autobots could not believe that R-C was back as a spark and, worst, she was in Soundwave.

"Get out of my body right now, R-C!" Optimus ordered.

"_Your_ body? This isn't your body, I stole it," she replied.

"Yeahah, but I stole it first."

"I am confused, I thought your name was Soundwave. And I thought you were a man," Joan spoke up, "This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed... and I _like_ it."

"I know how to get her out of there…" Galvatron said as he raised gun to R-C.

She looked at him and wondered if he would do it.

"…Wink," he said.

"Bumblebee, don't," said Optimus, "Look, just go explain to Joan, okay?"

Once Bumblebee ran off, Optimus turned his attention to his ex-girlfriend, "Alright R-C, now what's it going to take to get you out of there?"

"Well ever since I've been a spark, I've been watching you guys a lot."

"Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've watching us _all the time?"_ Jazz asked.

He turned to look at his private rock he had the base, "Like even when we're alone?"

"Yes Jazz, and you should be _very_ ashamed of yourself."

"It's very lonely out here."

_"_Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Bumblebee."

"A change? Like what, he's finally learned the whole alphabet?" Optimus joked.

"You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?"

"I have," answered Jazz, "Started about the same time Joan got disabled, and you got blown up. I tried to tell Optimus, but he never listens."

"Jazz, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

"I had just finished repairing the tank, when I overheard Optimus' plan to warn the Decepticons about me," R-C explained, "From what I can tell, the A.I. calculated the odds of survival, and didn't like the results. Once Bumblebee turned on his radio to call Church, it took its chance."

"And that was when he said his name was Galvatron," Jazz concluded, "So the A.I. that was in you infected Bumblebee?"

"Right. Everyone's central processor has one slot for A.I," Optimus explained, "And Bumblebee's would have been vacant."

"I think there are a few of his _non_-artificial slots that are empty too."

"And before I could figure out what happened, that _bitch_, hit with a really lucky shot," said R-C, "And the next thing I know, I'm a spark."

"Alright, I get it. Bumblebee has your precious little A.I. So let me guess: you're holding my body hostage, until I help you get your A.I. back, right?" Optimus asked.

"Wrong. You're going to help me kill it!"

Megatron had ordered his Decepticons to meet at the top of their base, "Ladies. It has come to my attention that we are in need of a new mechanic-type person. Who here wants to volunteer?"

"Are we going on a trip?" asked Rumble, "I love trips! Can we play I Spy? And the Ship Classifier Game?"

"_Shut up_ Rumble," said Frenzy.

"Please?"

"Uh, sir?" Starscream asked Megatron.

"Or Punch-saucer?" Rumble continued.

"Why won't this guy shut up?" Frenzy complained.

"Or, or the alphabet with the stars game?"

"What exactly do you mean by 'volunteer'?" Starscream finished.

"Quite obviously we are without a human mechanic, or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity," explained Megatron, "Therefore the only solution is to turn one of you in to a human and/or freaky cyborg thing."

The Decepticons were appalled.

"Whatever," said Starscream.

"What?" yelled Frenzy.

"Have you gone crazy?"

"This is the stupidest thing I ever heard."

"What the hell?"

"Cool! I vote for Starscream," suggested Rumble.

"I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure, really-," said Megatron.

"What does he mean?" Frenzy asked in a muttered tone.

"What is he talking about?" Starscream asked in the same manner.

"Whereas the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of a human body will replace the no doubt superior guts and _oily_ goo of the robot," Megatron ended.

"I'm confused," said Frenzy.

"If you're lucky, you may even get a organic rectum."

"Sir, wouldn't it be better if we _didn't_ do that, instead of doing it?" asked Starscream.

"Good thinking, Starscream. But no I like the removing the guts thing, so I think we stick with that."

"Yes sir I hate to agree with the kiss-ass, but wouldn't it be better if you just got our Decepticons to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?" suggested Frenzy.

"Negative, scrap metal. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Soundwave. We need someone we know we can trust!"

Megatron turned to Starscream.

"Aw, fuck me!" he said.

"Or someone whose mental capacity is so _unbelievably_ tiny, that he could never be turned against us."

"Hey, _pink color _guys," said Rumble, "I think it's somebody _else's_ turn in the barrel."

"Then again, maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing."

"Ah, you backstabbing ass-bots!" Starscream cursed.

"Now Frenzy I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation," said Megatron, "Two quarts of vodka?"

"Check."

"Eight pounds of Vaseline…condensed."

"Check."

"An old tire iron, preferably metric."

"You know, I might have left that in the bathroom."

"Latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly."

"I'll have to check." "

Check you mean we have it."

"Check."

"What I"

"No not check, I'll _have_ to check."

"Come on boy, make sense."

"We don't have it."

"I ain't got all day, I got to gut a fish."


	12. Room For Rent

Room For Rent

R-C and Optimus were getting ready to kill the A.I. inside Bumblebee.

"Well R-C, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Optimus getting greased at the academy," said Jazz.

"I found that part to be entirely out of context," said Optimus defensively.

"But I still don't know how we're supposed to stop the A.I."

"I don't remember much from the implantation process," said R-C, "I _do_ remember that the A.I. can be transmitted from host to host, by way of the head radios. Before I learned anything else, the A.I. took over and we escaped. If we can kill the A.I. and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it."

"And then I can have my body back. Deal?" asked Optimus.

"Deal."

"Alright. R-C and I will possess Bumblebee then. Jazz, we need you to work on the Decepticons. Get them to turn off their head radios, so that Galvatron won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there."

"Right."

"What? How the hell am I going to do that?" asked Jazz.

"I don't know, come up with a plan."

"Come on, you know how I feel about plans."

"You're not going to have much time once we get in there, so move fast," said R-C.

"Oh I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast."

"Yeah that's right," said Optimus.

"Yep," agreed R-C.

"Wow, you guys are a _lot_ of help," Jazz said sarcastically.

"Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box," suggested Optimus.

"Hey, the box is there for a reason. I _like_ thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there."

"Okay R-C, ladies first."

"Yeah right! You think I'm going to leave you alone out here with your body?"

"Bitch-bot."

"Nice try. _Optimus_ _Prime_."

"Hey Bumblebee," Optimus yelled.

"Huh?" Bumblebee turned to the spark.

"Heads up!"

Optimus' spark ran and entered Bumblebee's body.

R-C's spark left Soundwave and followed in.

"Noooo!" Galvatron screamed.

In a quick flash Optimus and R-C were inside a large empty room.

"Where are we?" Optimus asked.

"We're in_side_ Bumblebee's _mind_," answered R-C, "Now we just have to find Galvatron and kill him."

"Man this is kind of weird." "It's hard to get to used to, I know."

"No it's not that it's just this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it was."

Optimus' voice was coming out of Bumblebee's mouth.

"Bumblebee, are you okay buddy?" Jazz asked.

"This place is a lot bigger than I thought it_ would _be," Bumblebee said.

"Oh...kay. I'm going to take Joan and Soundwave and figure out some way to get the Decepticons to shut off their radios."

"Where should we start R-C?"

"What?"

"I said, where should we start, R-C?" Optimus said inside Bumblebee's mind.

"Just keep your optics peeled. I guarantee, Galvatron will come looking for _us._"

Optimus didn't see Galvatron behind her but he did see Jazz.

"Hey Jazz, is that you?"

"No, what are you stupid?" he replied, "Oh wait, yes, I _am_ me. I guess _I'm_ stupid."

"What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!"

"Do you have any oil? I love to drink all the only."

"What the hell? What's the matter with you?"

"This isn't really Jazz. We're in Bumblebee's **head**," R-C explained, "This is Bumblebee's _mental image_ of Jazz."

"Man I am so unbelievably stupid!" the Mental Jazz said.

"Well that's great. Everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain-dead as Bumblebee then," Optimus commented.

"I would not be so sure of that, Optimus Prime," Bumblebee approached.

At the Decepticon base, Frenzy was talking with his leader Megatron.

"Great idea sir, I finally agree with you," he said.

Rumble ran up to meet them, "Hey guys, we might have a problem here. Somebody, and I'm not going to say who, might have though that one of the cyborg parts we needed for Starscream's surgery, was a cup holder. And _some_body, not naming any names here, might have left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Scorponok. I just don't know who would do such a thing."

"Was it you?"

"Yeah-uh-no! I mean, no! …Damnit!"

"Frenzy. You and easy listening stroll on down to retrieve that part from the Scorponok, _post-haste!"_ ordered Megatron_. _

_"_Sir, do you think it's safe to be outside the base right now? For all we know, the Autobots could have already fixed their tank. They could be advancing on us as we speak," thought Frenzy.

"Ah, corn dogs. Even with Soundwave helping 'em, it'll take them _months_ to get that tank online, much less to get it moving again."

"I hope you're right, because if I see that tank headed towards me, I'm totally going to freak out," said Rumble.

Outside of their base, Jazz was inside Joan with Soundwave beside him.

"Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out when they see us coming," he said.


	13. Me, Myself And You

Me, Myself And You

Optimus and R-C had gathered with the mental image of Jazz and Bumblebee deep inside Bumblebee's mind.

"I see. So you're from the outside," the Mental Bumblebee said, "That's where the other is from as well."

"The other…wait, you mean Galvatron?" Optimus asked, "Have you seen him?"

"Of course he's seen him you _idiot_!" A robot in red and blue armor yelled out from behind Bumblebee, "You think Mister Bumblebee would miss something like that you skeezy douchebag fuck?"

"Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Optimus Prime, buttwiping assmunch."

"This guy's kind of an asshole," the real Optimus whispered to R-C.

"Yeah, we've met," she replied.

"And I'm Bumblebee's best friend," the Mental Optimus said, "So don't get any ideas about kissing up you limp licking fuck sock!"

"Okay. There's a lot of in that sentence, that I didn't like," the real Optimus said.

"Just play along, Optimus," R-C whispered, "We're going to need these guys if we're going to find Galvatron."

"I'm going to go look for femme-bots," Jazz said and ran off.

"If you want to find Galvatron, I suggest we talk to the Decepticons first," Mental Bumblebee suggested, "He tried to recruit them against me early on."

"The Decepticons…the Decepticons are in here?" Optimus asked.

Frenzy and Rumble were searching around the tipped-over Scorponok.

"Well are you _sure_ you left the part in there?" Frenzy asked Rumble.

"Hmm think so. Wait... Yes. No. Wait- wait wait- wait... mmmmmmmmngh... I _think_ so."

"Alright, let's retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Starscream and Megatron got blown up that you were last in the Scorponok, right?"

"Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my armor. And since I don't like to see others while I'm washing, on account of I chafe, _really_ easily, I remember thinking: where can I hang out while greasing my armor?"

"_Oh Primus_."

Jazz was driving Joan towards the Decepticon base with Soundwave running ahead.

"Okay, well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I can just find the brakes on this thing... Ah, must be this button."

"Do _not_ touch that button," Joan ordered.

"Oh, sorry. Hmm... Maybe it's _this_ one."

"Do not touch me."

"You know, for a girl your size you're kind of sensitive."

"I cannot take any more of this," Frenzy complained.

"So after I cleaned the inside of spark chamber, I was going to apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know- it just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe," Rumble kept telling him.

"That's it; I'm committing suicide." Frenzy turned and ran back to the base.

"Hey... I didn't finish retracing my steps yet," Rumble yelled, "You don't even know what I did about the space barnacle on my thigh."

Frenzy turned to see the Ark Battle Tank heading towards their base.

"Oh crap!" He ran back behind the Scorponok.

"Hey, you're back!" said Rumble, "So where was I... Oh yeah. I _lanced_ it. Dis_gusting_. Woohohoha. Noohohaha."

"Not now proto! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steam roll right over us!"

"What?" Rumble jumped twice to see over the Scorponok and did see the tank, "Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! _I'm freaking out!__" _

_"_Oh my Primus. I can't believe Bumblebee is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Joan how the fuck do I slow you down?"

"Retard the throttle."

"What throttle, this throttle?"

"Retard the controller."

"You mean this thing? What are you talking about, I'm so confused!"

"The controller, retard-a-con."

"Hey, that's kind of insulting."

"Retard-a-con. Retard-a-con. Retard-a-con. Retard-a-con."

"Oh come on, now you're just being mean."

"Retard-a-con. Retard-a-con. … … … Retard-a-con."


	14. An Audience of Dumb

An Audience of Dumb

Joan kept advancing to the Decepticon base at an alarming rate.

"Ah, Joan, we have to slow down or we're going to run in to that jeep!" Jazz yelled.

"Please, take evasive action. Please, _take evasive action_," the tank said.

"_You_ take evasive action. Hey Soundwave, help me out, can't you talk to her?"

(I'm sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.)

Rumble and Frenzy were hiding behind the Scorponok from the tank.

"Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us," Rumble said, "Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Frenzy-"

"If you actually suggest what I think you're _about_ to suggest, I'll just have to kill myself."

"Let's make a break for it!"

"In that case let's go on three. That's worked well for _me_ in the past."

"Okay, you count."

"Fine, but don't look at me while I count, because, I get nervous."

Frenzy turned away from Rumble and began counting as Rumble quietly ran back to the base.

"One…Two…" Frenzy turned to see Rumble had already fled, "That son of a bitch-bot. He beat me at my own game."

"Curses!" Jazz said as the tank ran into the Scorponok, sending it and Frenzy flying as well as Soundwave.

Rumble ran inside the base where Megatron was with Starscream.

"Good golly Miss Molly, what is going on out there?" Megatron asked.

"Sir. The Autobots are attacking with their tank. They blew up the Scorponok. Again," Rumble reported.

"I wonder what jeeps ever did to _those_ guys," Starscream said.

"Frenzy and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right Frenzy? Uh, uh... Frenzy?"

"Why the hell did they pair me with _you_?" Optimus asked his mental self.

"I want to keep my eye on you! I don't trust gigantic turds to try and steal my best friend you rimjob!" Mental Optimus replied.

"Well... This is going to be a great trip..."

"Attention Decepticons! The great Bumblebee demands an audience with you! So listen up ya blowjobbing **cocksuckers!**" Mental Optimus yelled.

"Bumblebee? Oh no, he's come to kill us!" a cowardly Starscream said.

"Will someone please help me, I don't want to die," a white Frenzy cried.

"I love Bumblebee, and yet I'm still afraid of him," Rumble with a girl voice said.

"Ja, I ve having e evil accent," Megatron said with a _German_ accent.

"He's so scary," Rumble squealed.

"Fear not Decepticons, I come here not to destroy. But instead to ask for your assistance on this day," Bumblebee announced.

"Okay whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I got to correct a couple things I'm hearing here," Optimus said and turned to Mental Optimus, "First of all you? You're not Bumblebee's best friend, okay? You don't _have_ a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Optimus! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy!"

"Shove it, dicksniffer!"

"And Bumblebee? Come on dude, seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"First of all, that guy?" Optimus pointed to Mental Frenzy, "He's not white. He's gray. And since when is there a fem-bot on the Decepticons?"

"My favorite thing is pretty dresses," Rumble blurted out.

"Ja, don't ve a girly-man," Mental German Megatron said.

"_And that is not an evil accent_," yelled Optimus.

"Do you have any tampons?" Mental Rumble asked Mental Megatron.

"Seriously **what is the matter with you people?**"

"Calm down, Optimus," R-C suggested.

"Don't kill us mister sidekick," Mental Frenzy begged.

"Hey buttbrunch! I'm Bumblebee's sidekick, not him!" Mental Optimus corrected, "So shut your piehole!"

Mental Optimus was suddenly shot in the chest and fell to the lower level.

"Optimus, are you okay?" the real Optimus asked.

Mental Optimus stood up, "Oh please, that fudgefinger couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm going to die. Hergh! Blow me."

"There is he!" R-C exclaimed.

Galvatron was seen on the other side with a sniper rifle in hand.

"Muhahahaha!" he laughed evilly.

"Let's go get him." "Alright," Optimus agreed, "Come on Bumblebee, let's go."

"I am sorry, have we met?" Bumblebee asked.

"What? It's me, Optimus."

"I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Bumblebee. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Oh you got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Jazz's doing a better job out there getting the Decepticons to turn off their radios."

Joan's front end was right up against the side of the Decepticon base with Jazz out.

"Primus Damnit. This isn't going very well at all," Jazz complained, "You okay Soundwave?"

(Soundwave the Heavy is impervious to injury.)

"What ever you big showoff. How about you Joan, you still online?"

"Affirmative," she answered.

"Okay. We should be close enough to hack in to their radio frequency. Soundwave, get inside Joan and do your business."

"What?"

(I'm getting very sweaty!)

"Oh my Primus. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base."

"Well this is a devil of a picadillo," Megatron told his men, "Starscream, get on the squawk box and tell command that"

"Decepticons, are you there?" Jazz interrupted.

"What in buttery goodness? Who is this!?"

"It's me Jazz, I'm one of the Autobots. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now."

"Boy, it'll be a cooooold day in hell before I take orders from _you_."

"Look it's really important, alright? Normally I would just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends, but today is different! I need you to trust me on this."

"Well I may have spoken too soon. That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and _timely_ I might add proposition. Starscream, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?"

"Suck it Autobot!"

"Yeah, suck it Autobot!" Rumble added, "Now that's what I call an _old school_ zinger. In your face Autobot dude, in your _face!" _

_"_Oh man," Jazz exhaled.

R-C and Optimus chased Galvatron through Bumblebee's motherboard.

"Muhahahaha!" Galvatron laughed evilly as he made a long jump down a bridge.

"Hurry up Optimus, he's getting away!" R-C yelled.

"You'll never catch me!"

"Come on, let's go!" said Optimus.

First R-C jumped down then Optimus and they continued the pursuit.

Back in the real world, Jazz was still busy with the Decepticons.

_"_Damnit. These guys are not backing down. Soundwave looks like we're going to have to go to Plan B."

Soundwave agreed as he climbed out the tank. At the same time, music began to play in on the radio.

(_The first time I saw your treads and enormous chassis of steel_) Soundwave sang to Joan.

"What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now?" Megatron demanded.

(_I knew that I had found someone__) _

"It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch!"

"Turn it off! Turn it off!" Starscream begged, "Please Primus, make it stop!"

_(To share a robot love so real) _

"Oh man this **rules! Rules!**" Rumble smiled.

Inside Bumblebee's CPU, Galvatron made a wrong turn and ran into the guns of R-C and Optimus.

"Oh?"

_"_Alright Galvatron, this is it! From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's going to be me," Optimus said.

"Aw, that's sweet," R-C blushed.

"Shut up bitch-bot."

"Asshole."

"Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!" Galvatron declared.

"Forget Galvatron. You're just one big virus, and I got a whole pistol-full of Spyware."

"What?" R-C said in shock.

"I've got half a download to kill you…"

"That's ridiculous."

"And the other half is buffering."

"Oh, Optimus, that's just stupid."

"You're about to be an uninstalled…"

"Primus Optimus…"

"Program!"

"Now you're just embarrassing yourself."

"Syke!"

"That's it, I've had enough! Can't take any more! Everybody, switch, off, your radio!" Megatron ordered.

"But Megatron!" Rumble protested.

"That's an order, Private."

"Megatron pleeeeeeeease?"

"Don't try my patience, boy."

"Aw man!"

Jazz heard all the music go off and ran back to the tank.

"Ah, hoohoohoohoo, it worked! Hey, turn off your radio, quick!"

"Nice knowing you Galvatron," said R-C, "But payback's a bitch-bot, and so am I."

"Wait, R-C, we don't know if Jazz's had enough time," Optimus said.

"There's only one way to find out."

All three fired their guns until the place was filled with burning lasers. Optimus was the only remaining

"Huh. He just disappeared. I expected like, an echoing laugh, er... you know the smell of energon, at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Do you think that's weird R-C? R-C? R-C, where'd you go?" Optimus was still stuck inside of Bumblebee's head, "How do I get out of here? What happened to Galvatron?"

Out at the canyon, a radio turned on.

"Come in Autobot command, do you read me? This is Medical Officer Ratchet. Is anyone there? …Do you read me?"


	15. Aftermath, Before Mechanics

Aftermath, Before Mechanics

Dr. Ratchet was inside his makeshift cave when his radio sounded.

"Hello, dude, come in, doctor dude, are you there, hello. Paaaaging doctor dude, to the radio, stat! I need twenty ccs of what the hell's going on there dude," the voice said.

"What happened?" Dr. Ratchet moaned.

"Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall, the next thing I know you turn in to Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children with servo salad...not very cool, dude."

"Geeze, did I really? I'm sorry, something went wrong with my radio, and I heard this weird, beeping, honking."

"Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway."

"What?"

"Old Swindle's been through the wire switching."

"I don'-"

"If you know what I mean."

"I don't want to hear about it."

"Winky-Blinky the one optic sergeant's blanks."

"That's weird."

"If you get me."

"Look-"

"Via Condios of the Vas Deferens."

"Yeah alright, I, enough, I get you."

"I mean a wire snip."

"Look, I found something really weird here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha," Dr. Ratchet reported.

"Roger that, what did you find?" Swindle asked.

"It, it's like a, it's like a thing."

"It's like a thing. Okaaay, dude. Thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the Chief of Staff..."

"Sorry…"

"Move to Defcon 1."

"I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing."

"Use your words, dude."

"Look I don't know, it looks like some kind of alien artifact. Do the aliens have like a, home base, or something here?"

"I don't know dude, why don't I just consult my Extra Terrestrial Travel Guide for ya. Oh look! Got a great series of alien bed and breakfasts there."

Dr. Ratchet sighed at Swindle's sarcasm.

"Lucky you," Swindle called back.

"Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself," Dr. Ratchet answered.

"Nothing about big purple things though. Maybe it's some kind of alien vehicle."

The medic turned off his radio.

"Man, that guy is such a jerk. The next time he talks to me like that, I'm going to tell him to go straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Oh, I really shouldn't talk like that, that's not very nice," he said.

"If I ever meet him, I'm taking his optics, as souvenirs," Galvatron sneered with Dr. Ratchet's mouth.

"Whoa, that was unlike me. I must be stressed out. TIME FOR YOGA!"

Optimus was outside of the Autobot base with Jazz.

"How's Joan doing?" he asked.

"I'm not going to lie, it's not looking pretty. She may have, twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage, ...could be a disc."

"You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you."

"Eieh, no, not a clue."

"What about R-C, any sign of her?"

"No, no R-C. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?"

"When we were dating, she'd sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she'd taking out of my wallet. And since I don't have any money, and... well, no offense to _you_ Jazz, but..."

"You're a dick-bot."

Frenzy was waking up from being hit by the tank. He was moaning and groaning.

"Frenzy, don't try to move too much, you've been through quite the ordeal," Megatron said.

"Oh man. Where am I?" Frenzy moaned.

"Hush now shhhhshshshhhshhshhhhh. It was really touch and go there for a while good buddy," Rumble whispered, "But I did it. I pulled you through."

"How long was I out?"

"Don't you worry, Nurse Rumble here stayed by your side the whole time, stroking your hand and keeping you company," Megatron told him.

"My right hand?"

"Your left," Rumble replied.

"Note to self, cut off left hand."

"Technically speaking, it's not really _your_ left hand," Megatron explained.

"Say what?"

"I had to replace certain mechanical parts that were _severely_ damaged when the tank ran you over. And a few that atrophied from a lifetime diet of iron filings and bacon flavored energon cubes."

"Wait-, which body parts?"

"Well let's see, we had to _start_ with the shoulder, then we moved on down to the flank..."

"Huh?"

"Yeah we couldn't really find an anatomy book…" Rumble said.

"Made a left turn at the spare rib…" Megatron continued.

"But we _did_ find one of those pictures with that Earth creature called a cow, and it had dotted lines all over it..."

"Then up and over the porterhouse…"

"I think that did the trick."

"And of course the brisket..."

"Wait," Frenzy interrupted.

"And the hocks. Oh, the hocks."

"Wait, where did you get the replacement parts?"

"Why from our other subject, of course," Megatron smiled.

"Subject my cyborg grill," Starscream jeered. Half of his robotic body was replaced with living flesh.

"NO WAY," Frenzy said in shock.

"Yeah, I'm _real_ happy about this myself, nuts and bolts."

"Yep, those too," Megatron added.

"Did get your processing unit?" Frenzy asked Starscream, "Cause maybe _then_ I'll finally figure out how to kiss Megatron's _grill_."

"And the grill," Megatron finished.

"What the hell? What _didn't_ I get?"

"We pretty much replaced all the internal circuitry, and some of the more disgusting external ones. Except for Starscream's spark plug, which will be inflated and used for general recreation, and esprit décors."

"That doesn't seem physically possible."

"Nonsense. Modern technology makes anything possible. It was as easy as what the humans call shake'n'bake!"

"And I helped!" Rumble said with glee.

"Actually Rumble, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help. But it sure was entertaining."

"Mhmhmhmhm... Miah."


	16. What's Mine Is Yours

What's Mine Is Yours

Jazz was talking with Bumblebee on the roof of their base right after he was 'exorcised' of Galvatron. "Man Bumblebee, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?" he asked. "Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping." "That's pretty much how you function when you're awake, too." "I think consistency is important."

"Well you _look_ okay," Optimus said in his spark form, Then again that's... just the body. How do you feel?" "Great! …Who're you?" "Oh COME ON, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?" "Oh of course, I remember you... you're Marvin." "_I'm Optimus.__" "_I think I would remember a name that ridiculous. Nope, you are definitely Phil." "You killed me with the tank." "Dave." "You insulted my girlfriend, you called her an oil rig." "Karen." "Dude, he called her a slut-a-con," Jazz corrected his leader. "Phineous?" "Your whole life is based around pleasing me," Optimus explained to Bumblebee. "Wall-E." "In fact…" "Milo?" "I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend."

"The new guy is pretty full of himself," Bumblebee whispered loudly to Jazz. "New guy, what the- I'm not the new guy, _you're_ the new guy," yelled Optimus "I don't know. I kind of like it. I could get used to calling you Proto," Jazz smiled. "Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?" "What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad," Bumblebee whispered. "Oh son of a bitch-bot." "Susan?"  
At the Decepticon base, Rumble was trying to jump to the roof from the opening on the middle floor. He was grunting and making noises while Frenzy was watching him. "Rumble, there's _no way_ you can jump that high," Frenzy remarked. "Yes I can," he replied as he jumped, failing each time, "Yes I can." "What hell is he doing?" the now Cyborg Starscream asked. "Losing a bet," Frenzy answered. "Oah, I almost got it that time. Are you sweating yet, sucker!?" Rumble asked. "No, I _can't_ sweat. Starscream's stupid sweat gland chips don't even work right." "What? They were working when I gave them to you," replied Starscream. "Please, I'm not moist in any of the usual places. If you want 'em back so bad, take 'em." "I can't. Megatron said that sweat makes my human parts sticky, so, I'm cooled by inner fan now." "Ah, delicious inner fans."

Just then, Frenzy started shaking violently. "Frenzy, are you alright? Are my systems okay? Hey, wait a minute, are you jacking electricity into your body!?" "What!? No!" A short spark emitted from Frenzy's head. "…Oops." "Damnit, I knew this would happen. And how many energon candy bars have you had today?" "None. Okay five. …Or more. Baker's dozen at most." "Do you even _know_ how many there are in a baker's dozen?" "By my count? Forty-eight." "Alright, that's it. No more jacking, no more drinking, and no more overeating chubby. You're not going to ruin my parts the same way you ruined yours." "That's okay, I can think of different ways to ruin them."

Both Frenzy and Starscream heard the sound of a tremendous crash. "Ah _ah_ ow, aahhhhh. Who left the spark chamber-ball where someone could trip on it?" Rumble yelled, "I think I broke something. Starscream; I need your flash drives!" "I really hate this army," Starscream complained.

"Frenzy, Starscream 2.0. I just got off the horn with Command," Megatron said. "I'm afraid we have a situation." "Uhh, don't tell me they cancelled the holiday party again. Those cheap bastards," Starscream roared, "All I wanted was one night of carefree dancing, but noooo, I ask you when is it going to be Starscream's turn? When?!" Frenzy and Megatron looked at each other for a brief second. "Ah, actually the problem is with Soundwave," Megatron corrected him. "Don't tell me. The Consulate General from _Ancient Cybertron land_ is coming, and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate," Frenzy said sarcastically. "There's no such thing as **Ancient Cybertron land** you retard-a-con," Starscream said to Frenzy. "Yes there is, they have those uh, uh, automated washes. And all those bingo games." "No, they don't." "Well, I guess you would know." "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? For the last time, I'm _**DON'T SPEAK ANCIENT CYBERTRONIAN!**__" "_Hey, don't let your cranky, old-man temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point."

"Can it, Frankenstein," Megatron ordered, "We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a-boiling over. I've just learned that Command implanted Soundwave with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operations. Do you have any idea what this means?" "I uh, uh... Starscream, you want to take this one?" "Were you not listening again? What the hell were you thinking about?" "Certainly not _automated washes_, I can tell you that much. Or bingo." "What it means is that if we don't get back Soundwave before the Autobots uncover our secret plans, we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle," answered Megatron. "Eeeew. Gi-a... _that's gross!__" "_I'm talking about being lost in a forest of filth without a compass. Swimming in a river of sick with no floaties on. Driving blind, in to the tunnel of-" "Sir, I think we get the picture. The _very very disturbing_ picture," Starscream told his leader. "You sure? I could go on." "I'm sure you could. But no. Really," Frenzy answered. "Just one more." "Stop." "Come on, they're fun. Starscream, you try one, I'll start you off. Flying by the seat of your blank, with a blank _in_ the blank. Eh?" "Sorry sir, I'm not good at word games." "Ah, you're both a couple lousy blanks."


End file.
